ANGER MANAGEMENT SELF-ASSESSMENT
By William G. DeFoore, Ph.D. As found in his best-selling
book |
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CHECK YOUR ANGER CONTROL ON THIS SCALE:
THE 0-10 ANGER SCALE:
Level 0. You are feeling totally calm and relaxed.
You may feel happy and excited about something or not. You
have no anger or irritation at any level.
Level 1. You feel a very slight anxiety or irritability,
but it's not affecting your behavior. You can barely notice
it when you try. Your mind is open, and you're very aware
of the "big picture" perspective.
Level 2. The irritation/anxiety is a little higher,
but still not enough to bother you or affect your behavior.
You can still see the big picture. It is hard to relax with
the agitation you are experiencing.
Level 3. You are starting to have negative responses
to people, places and things around you. You are still keeping
your anger inside, but you're just not settled. Your focus
is starting to narrow slightly, but you can still think
clearly and make good decisions.
Level 4. Now you are starting to think about yelling
at that other driver, or calling that talk show host and
giving them a piece of your mind. But you don't act on the
feelings. Your tone with others might be just a little short,
or you might try to cover your feelings by being extra nice.
Tunnel vision is starting to set in.
Level 5. Now you are definitely not having fun. You
are mad at yourself, others or the world in general. You're
still in control of your behavior, but others can tell you're
not feeling that great. You become grouchy and irritable
with others. You are moving into a single-minded focus and
your decision-making process is impaired.
Level 6. You start thinking about getting away from
some situation that is bothering you. You might fantasize
about escaping somehow. You might also tell someone off
at this point, but you make an effort to be controlled and
even somewhat considerate. Your mental clarity has become
erratic. You have lost sight of the big picture.
Level 7. You are starting to say things to yourself
like, "This is driving me crazy." "I can't stand this any
more." "That person is driving me up the wall." "If I could,
I'd like to really let them have it!" You're thoughts are
racing, and your muscle tension is becoming noticeable.
Your vision is narrowing further.
Level 8. At this level, a plan of action starts to
form. Now your anger is so high that you are ready to do
something about it. You are so upset that you really have
no choice. Your thinking is not clear, and your plan of
action might include revenge and retaliation, or just a
desire to hurt someone you perceive as a threat or problem
to you or someone you love. You have become almost completely
irrational.
Level 9. Now you're acting on your anger. You are
telling someone off, and possibly trying to hurt them or
"put them in their place" with your words. You also might
be planning how to abandon, neglect or reject them. At this
level, your thoughts are obsessed and totally focused on
your pain, fear and anger whether you know it or not. You
are ruled by your emotions at this level.
Level 10. At this point you have become dangerous
to yourself and/or others. You are in the depths of fight-or-flight,
and your primitive survival-based brain has taken over.
You have tunnel vision and single-minded thought. All you
can think about is how to make the pain and/or stress stop.
It is a very helpless feeling. You are desperate, and willing
to take desperate action. Your fear and anger are doing
your thinking for you.
| Rate yourself: |
|
| At my best I am —>> |
fill in the number(s) _____ |
| At my worst I am —>> |
fill in the number(s) _____ |
| Most of the time, I am —>> |
fill in the number(s) _____ |
NOW! SEE WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING
CATEGORIES BEST DESCRIBES YOU:
1. MILD ANGER ISSUES: Most of the time you are around
a 2 or 3, but all too often you jump up to a 5 or 6--or
even an 8 once in a while. A few times in your life you
may have reached a 9 or 10, but you're determined never
to go there again. Reading and CD's may be enough to help
you reach your goals.
2. SERIOUS ANGER ISSUES: You have to struggle almost
daily not to lose your temper. You can jump pretty fast
to a level 8 or 9. You have reached a 10 a few times, but
most of the time you can prevent that. You haven't hurt
any one physically, but you are definitely hurting others
with your words and actions. You may need professional help
in addition to reading and listening to CD programs on anger
management.
3. EXTREME ANGER ISSUES: Your anger has control of
you most of the time. People around you are not safe emotionally
or maybe physically, and many times you endanger yourself
as well. You may escalate from a 3 or 4 (your normal level)
to a 10 in a heartbeat. Your anger is running your life.
You definitely need professional help, in addition to reading
and listening to CD programs on anger management.
4. EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY: You live around a level 0-2
most of the time. In extreme circumstances you may escalate
to a three or even a four, but you will take positive, effective
action to resolve the problem and return to a sense of well-being.
THIS IS WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT AND WORK TOWARD WHEN YOU
USE DR. DEFOORE'S BOOKS, CDs AND SERVICES.
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DEALING WITH ROAD RAGE—
YOUR OWN AND OTHERS'
By William G. DeFoore, Ph.D. As found in his best-selling
book |
|
THAT'S MY LIFE YOU'RE PLAYING WITH!
It is clear that the most dangerous place you can be is
flying down the highway in your motorized vehicle. Think
about it. There you are, a fairly soft, vulnerable creature
sitting in your huge chunk of metal hurling down strips
of concrete at break-neck speeds often only inches away
from others doing the same thing.
Some of your fellow travelers are a little confused. They
think the highway is a video game or a racetrack--or maybe
that's you that drives that way! The only time the highway
looks like a video game is when some car, truck or motorcycle
is treating it like one. To some people, it is actually
fun to drive their chunk of metal within inches of your
chunk of metal and scare the daylights out of others!
And then there are those who are just downright aggressive
behind the wheel. Some of us actually use the relative anonymity
of driving alone in their vehicle as an opportunity to release
the anger they are not venting anywhere else. That means
that all the other motorists are potential victims of anger
release from total strangers. This makes the road dangerous
for you and everyone.
Ignoring the flow of traffic, driving slowly in the fast
lane, driving too fast in any lane, tailgating, cutting
into openings that are not quite big enough, making last
minute decisions that shock other motorists and requiring
them to make sudden adjustments are all aggressive and dangerous
moves to make when driving.
You know that rush you feel when you are exposed to one
of these situations? That surge of energy that pulses through
your body? Well, that is a mix of survival-based fear and
anger. Your life is being threatened out there on the open
road, and there is virtually nothing you can do about it.
The road-rage addicts get off on this rush. The rest of
us just want to get where we're going in one piece.
How often do strangers threaten your physical life on a
daily basis? If you're like most people, it only happens
on the highway. What an excellent opportunity to study your
own anger! If these examples apply to you, you can use your
driving experience as a sort of laboratory in which to study
your anger and anger response patterns.
When you are pushed, crowded, tailgated, honked at or otherwise
put at risk on the road, your fear is saying to you, "Danger!
Watch out!" and your anger is saying, "I don't like this
and I'd like to do something about it!"
Do you see anything wrong with these reactions? Of course
not. They are natural and healthy. The fear is because of
the threat, and the anger simply brings the question of
what to do about the threat. Anger is designed to spur action
to protect life, limb and loved ones. That is its most basic
level of functioning.
Options for protective action on the highway:
Unhealthy options include: making an obscene or aggressive
gesture, yelling and cursing, following the dangerous driver
and running them off the road (becoming a dangerous driver
yourself), or in the worst-case scenario reaching for a
handgun. All of these of course add to the problem, and
in some cases are against the law. If you're not careful,
your anger will make you part of the problem, and then someone
else will have to figure out what to do about you!
Healthy options include: calling your local free cell phone
number for reporting dangerous drivers (check with your
cell phone customer service for this number), driving all
the more carefully to counter the insanity of the driver
who has just endangered your life, or silently wishing for
that driver to be stopped by a patrolman soon, before s/he
kills someone.
I learned in a defensive drivers class that if someone
is tailgating you-which is one of the most common and frequent
ways in which your safety is endangered on the road-you
can just slow down to a speed where 1) the driver is very
likely to pass you and 2) if an accident happens there will
be less damage because of the slower speed. This is an interesting
option from the standpoint of learning about anger. Regarding
your own anger, it gives you a way of communicating to the
tailgater that you don't like what they're doing, and it
further shows them that you are not going to be intimidated
into driving faster or dangerously to get out of their way.
This is a good example of a healthy anger response.
The idea here is that we need lots of options for dealing
with our anger. One reason is that anger is so closely connected
with the emotion of love, and we want as much love in our
lives as possible.
Here are some techniques to use:
1. Imagine sending love and joy to every motorist
you see. Sounds hokey, but all we're trying to do here is
get you and everybody else where you're going safely--so,
whatever works!
2. Imagine that it is your loved ones that are in
those other cars.
3. Remember that every one of the motorists around
you has a mother, father, children and may in fact be a
good person that you could like!
4. Turn on some soothing music.
5. Breathe deeply, and try to relax your muscles.
Wherever you are in a hurry to get to, think about how you
will feel if you get a ticket, have a wreck or go to the
hospital instead of arriving. Go ahead and slow down and
risk being late.
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BECOMING INTIMATE WITH ANGER
By William G. DeFoore, Ph.D. As found in his best-selling
book |
|
THE POWER OF INTIMACY
Have you ever been afraid of really loving someone? Have
you been afraid of letting someone really love you? Most
of us have known this fear. To love and be loved is what
we want more than anything, so why would we be so afraid
of having the deep, intimate experience of loving and being
loved?
Why do we feel the most fear and anger with those we love
the most? Why is it that domestic violence is considered
by the police to be the most dangerous situation they can
walk into? These are important questions. Let's consider
some possible answers.
As adults, we "fall" in love. This experience of loving
at some point reminds us of how we were hurt in past experiences
of loving. Of course, we are afraid of being hurt, no matter
how big, strong or healthy we may happen to be. So we try
to protect ourselves. This is human nature.
It follows that the more we love, the more potential we
have to be hurt, afraid and angry. Fortunately the love
can grow and mature in such a way that the pain and fear
are minimized and we no longer need anger for protection
from those we love. This happens as our skill, strength,
knowledge and awareness expand, allowing the more vulnerable
inner core of love to grow and expand into the world around
us. You can imagine this by picturing the walls of protection,
fear and pain breaking down, allowing the inner circle of
love to expand and blend with the outer circle
of skill, strength, knowledge and awareness. So how does
this happen in real life?
THE FIRST STEP TO TRUE INTIMACY
The first step to true intimacy is to know, understand
and become intimate with yourself. Your self is what you
bring into a relationship. If you don't know this self or
you feel ashamed of some part it, you will not be able or
willing to share those aspects with your loved one. If there
are wounds that have not healed, you will automatically
hide and protect those wounded parts. You will not offer
yourself fully to another, as is required for true intimacy,
unless you feel good about the self you are offering.
This simply means that each of us must make a journey into
ourselves to learn about our own defense mechanisms, to
manage our fear and to heal our pain. Only then can we reach
the healing core of love that is the heart of who we are.
Only then will we be willing to allow someone else to really
know and love us for all that we are. The first part of
ourselves we offer to others is what we consider to be our
best self. We smile, shake hands or hug and act as if everything
is just fine, whether it is or not. We show our social skills,
demonstrate our knowledge and awareness in our conversation
and try to give the impression of being a healthy, together
person. This is the realm in which we operate at work or
with people we don't know very well. This is the part of
ourselves we use to "make a good impression" on someone
we like. This may even be all we really know of ourselves.
In school and throughout our lives, we have gained knowledge,
skill, strength and awareness about the world around us--but
we never really learned very much about ourselves. But it
is your self that you are having trouble with. Your anger
comes from you, not from somewhere else.
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE DEFENSES?
One of the first things that happens when you start trying
to get to know yourself is that you run into your own defense
mechanisms. Defenses fall into two basic categories: fight
and flight. In other words, we tend to protect and defend
ourselves by either getting angry or getting out--of the
situation.
Do you know how to take a break in a relationship to give
yourself time to think and calm down? If not, are you trying
to solve your problems with anger, and finding that you're
only making it worse? Do you shut down until you can't stand
it any more and then you explode in anger?
Don't judge yourself at this point, just try to figure
out what your defense strategies are.
Next ask yourself what you are afraid of when you are
using these defense methods. Whether you know it or not,
you are afraid of being hurt when you're angry. Fear drives
your anger. If you don't know what your fear is, you will
be blindly controlled by your anger.
Fear falls into two basic categories. We are either afraid
of being attacked, assaulted, smothered or violated (something
happening to us), or we are afraid of losing someone or
something we love (feelings of rejection, abandonment and
jealousy come into play here). All of your fears came from
some past experience of pain.
To deal with your anger, you have to understand your fear.
To understand your fear you have to understand and heal
your pain. We have all been hurt. That's part of being human.
If you don't know your pain, you are unconsciously driven
by efforts to avoid it happening again. This is what drives
most of the anger problems we see in the world every day.
Your task is to learn how you were hurt, and heal those
wounds. That will take the fire out from under your fear
and anger, and you will be able to gain control. You can
do it. Don't ever give up on yourself!
THE INTIMACY YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED
When you have experienced some emotional healing from your
past wounds, you will be a more compassionate, empathetic
and loving person. This will make your efforts at intimacy
much more successful.
Intimacy is not just great romance, fun and affection.
Intimacy is being close and connected through the hard times.
Which means being comfortable with your own and your partner's
pain and fear.
I have found in my 30 plus years of counseling that when
a person heals from her/his emotional wounds of the past,
intimacy becomes possible for the first time. The skills
are easy to learn, once you're ready! You may want to preview
Sacred Roles in Marriage
now to hear Dr. DeFoore speaking about how to create true
and lasting intimacy and joy in your relationships!
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METHODS FOR HELPING CHILDREN
DEAL WITH THEIR ANGER
By William G. DeFoore, Ph.D. As found in his best-selling
book |
|
You will find an entire chapter on children's anger in
Dr. DeFoore's book, and you can read about CHILD
ANGER MANAGEMENT COUNSELING here.
What to say — When your child is in the middle
of expressing anger, your verbal response is extremely important.
Though it remains true that your non-verbal signals will speak
more loudly than your words, we must not underestimate the
power of the spoken word, particularly during intense emotional
experiences.
- For a very young child, or if the anger is being
expressed mostly in non-verbal ways, say something to
the effect of,"Wow! I can see that you are really
angry right now. I'm sure you have good reasons to be
angry. Your anger seems really strong to me. I want you
to know that it's okay with me for you to be angry, and
I want to help you deal with it so that nobody gets hurt
— including you." In these and other words,
communicate the idea that "There's nothing wrong
with feeling anger, the important thing is what you do
with it."
- Practice reflective listening. Repeat back to
the child what you hear her saying in a non-judgmental,
soothing tone. This provides a comforting effect, and
lets the child know she's being heard. Start with phrases
like,"So what I hear you saying is..." or "So
you're saying..." Stick with their words and references,
using as little interpretation and as few of your own
words as possible.
- Express empathy and understanding. This is simply
a matter of imagining yourself in the child's position,
and attempting to see things from his viewpoint. Use phrases
like, "When I put myself in your shoes, I can see
why you would feel that way," or "From where
you stand, it looks like ..." or "I think I
see what you mean" or "That makes sense to me."
- Avoid teaching, correcting or instructing while your
child is angry. Only when the child starts to calm
down and relax, you may want to share some of your own
similar struggles or experiences. The goal is to help
them deal with and understand their anger. Discipline
needs to be kept separate from this kind of communication,
and administered when both you and the child are calm.
That way the child gets the clear message that it is not
their emotion that is being disciplined, it is their behavior.
|
What to do — If your child is small enough, you
might want to try holding her during her anger episode. This
has been found to be highly effective in many cases. It provides
loving, powerful and safe boundaries when the child is feeling
out of control. The non-verbal message is, "I'm here.
I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to hurt you, and
I won't let you hurt yourself or anyone else. I'm going to
hold you until you feel safe again." Here are some recommendations
to make this procedure safe and successful:
- If you are extremely afraid or angry yourself, do not
try this technique. Your emotions will feed the anger
and fear of your child and make the situation worse.
- If you feel comfortable doing so, hold the child from
behind, ideally with him sitting in your lap. Protect
your face in case he tosses his head back toward you.
The goal is for no one to get hurt.
- There needs to be both love and power in your embrace.
Strong but not too strong, relaxed but not too relaxed.
This lets the child know you are in charge, that you love
her and can and will protect her.
- Be ready and willing to devote some time to this. If
you don't complete the process, you may do more harm than
good. Hold the child, and wait until he calms down and
relaxes. Often he might cry or even fall asleep as the
anger subsides.
Through this gesture you are communicating love, acceptance,
safety, protection and power all at the same time.
What to have the child do — In some cases, the
child may need to release anger physically. This can be accomplished
in a number of ways:
- Supervised play with toys, or play therapy in a professional
setting, can be very effective in helping children release
anger. The violence that occurs between the toy characters
is non-destructive, and can be very informative to the
therapist and/or the parent who is observing. This can
also include drawing pictures, or throwing clay against
a wall or board where no harm can be done.
- Hitting pillows or a mattress with a harmless object
such as a nerf bat or bataca bat. This can be done in
a playful manner, and the child will still receive benefit.
In therapy, I often call it "the anger game",
so that children feel safe in approaching the activity.
- Children may sometimes benefit from the "temper
tantrum technique" described in Chapter 12. Parents
should use their own judgment as to when it is necessary
to contract for the services of a professional for this
type of exercise.
- One of the best parents I know told me that he had his
daughters use the "Name it, claim it, aim it"
technique for dealing with anger. In other words he taught
them to put a name on their feeling, take responsibility
for it, and direct it into some kind of release or constructive
activity. An example might go something like, "I'm
angry and sad, Daddy," (naming and claiming it) "and
I want you to help me talk to Bobby about taking my things"
(aiming it). This is an excellent approach, and I highly
recommend that parents use this and any other guidelines
they run across that help them to teach their children
to manage and express their emotions in healthy ways.
You can hear Dr. DeFoore teach about Helping
Your Children With Their Anger:
A Guide for Parents by clicking here
to purchase with free shipping, or download to listen immediately.
Special reduced prices in effect!
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COMPULSIONS, ADDICTIONS AND
OTHER SMOKE SCREENS
By William G. DeFoore, Ph.D. As found in his best-selling
book |
|
Compulsions and addictions are great "smoke screens"
or distractions from the real issues in our lives. They
are also common ways in which we suppress or bury our anger.
Here are some examples of compulsive/addictive behavior
patterns:
Compulsive busy-ness
Alcohol and drug abuse
Codependency Love/relationship addiction
Sexual addiction
Compulsive overeating Anorexia and/or bulimia
Rage addiction
Gambling addiction
Workaholism
Compulsive shopping
Television addiction
Internet compulsion
Video game addiction
Obsessive-compulsive behaviors such as:
|
Counting
Excessive hand washing
Excessive house cleaning
Constant checking and re-checking locks, security
systems, etc.
Obsessive worrying
|
You may know of other disorders that fit in this category.
There are many effective programs designed to treat
these disorders, including psychotherapy and the many
twelve-step programs around the world. Our focus here
is on the emotion of anger and how it relates to these
thought and behavior patterns.
Compulsive and addictive behaviors are designed to
protect you from all of your emotions, and they accomplish
this by burying your anger, fear and sorrow deep beneath
the complex of dysfunctional patterns. All compulsive/addictive
disorders affect body and brain chemistry, providing
an unhealthy “self-medication” for emotions.
Buried anger does not go away. We can medicate it,
deny it and pretend it’s not there for days, weeks,
months or even years. It's only a matter of time, however,
before it shows up in some form of bitterness, depression,
illness, outburst, violent attack or suicide. Buried
anger always claims a victim, and the victim is often
the person its buried in.
THERE IS OFTEN ANGER BURIED UNDER ADDICTIONS
We tend to react to buried anger in one or both of
the following two ways:
1. We get sick. Depression can result from buried
anger, (see Fauva and Rosenbaum, 1999 and Elam, 2003),
and that reduces the effectiveness of our immune system
(Scanlan, 1999, Schleifer, et. al. 2002 and McGuire
et. al. 2002). Physical illness can result from the
depression or from the stress caused by the suppressed
emotion. The anger does not get expressed, but it makes
its presence known. This is sometimes called internalized
anger or self-hatred, leading to suicidal thoughts or
suicidal behavior. In extreme cases, phobias, delusions
and even psychosis can develop over time.
2. We explode in fits of anger. These explosions
can range all the way from violent rages to minor eruptions.
The main point is that we are not in control, and we
do things we do not intend to do. We often hurt others
and ourselves when our buried anger erupts to the surface.
This is the "pressure cooker" syndrome we
talked about earlier.
Compulsive and addictive behaviors can develop in either
of the two above scenarios. Keeping feelings inside
doesn't feel good. It hurts. Drug and alcohol addiction
often results from self-medicating the pain that is
caused by suppressed emotions.
Rageaholics may use substances or compulsive behaviors
to try to control their rage. "I am so relaxed
and pleasant when I drink. I only fly into those rages
when I'm sober." This is a statement from a woman
in denial, using alcohol to attempt to control her rage.
I'M SURE I COULD STOP DRINKING IF I COULD JUST STOP
GETTING ANGRY
Clarice's presenting problem was her rage. She would
usually start out being upset over some trivial detail
around the house and eventually drag in 17 years of
her husband's inadequacy and attack him with it.
"Everything will be going just fine" Clarice
explained while staring out the window of my office,
"and then I get this feeling. I start out complaining,
and the next thing I know I'm screaming at the top of
my lungs and throwing things at Foster. I've even hit
him in the face with my fists a few times. I don't know
why I do that.
"But you know, after I have a couple of glasses
of wine, I just calm right down. He even brings me a
glass of wine when he gets home sometimes. I guess he's
figured it out by now."
Without realizing it, Clarice had mixed two very serious
addictions. She was addicted to rage and to alcohol,
and the two problems were feeding into each other. She
was in total denial about her alcoholism.
"My drinking is not a problem. I'd be in bad shape
without it though. I can quit any time I want to but
I have to learn to control my anger first."
I decided to use her belief that the alcohol was not
a problem as a way to get past her defenses.
"Since you can quit any time you want to, I'd
like you to abstain from drinking just for a few weeks,
while you are in therapy, Clarice. Let's just see how
it goes. You'll have greater mental clarity, and also
make much more progress that way. I'll give you some
other ways to control your anger, besides drinking."
It was a long shot, but I knew I couldn't help her
if she continued drinking while I was working with her.
"Sure, that's no problem. Like I said, I can quit
any time I want to--even though I am worried about the
anger." She squirmed a little when she said this.
I think her body was telling me the truth she was not
ready to admit.
Over the first few days of her abstinence, Clarice's
struggle with her rage proved more than she was ready
for. Without the alcohol for self-medication, she found
herself in either violent rages or serious depression.
Her marriage was collapsing rapidly.
The up side to this is that Clarice learned through
this process that she indeed was an addict. She realize
